Innocence
by ChristineBH
Summary: Sirius looked at him curiously. "How was it?" There were so many fully truthful answers: 'Horrible', 'it hurt so much', 'the worst night of my life', or maybe a simple 'I try to forget it', but Remus couldn't say that and looked away as he answered, "Not the best."- - - - - - -A celebration ends in tears as a detail from the most horrible night of Remus Lupin's night gets revealed.


The Marauders was sitting in the centre of their dorm room between their beds enjoying firewhiskey like true sixth year students. Celebrations were more often than not held in the common room, but there was only a couple of bottles of firewhiskey, and the other gryffindors would have drunk it all before the Marauders had had their second swig. Also it was not a house celebration, so it was more than fine that it was only the four who knew and celebrated. They were celebrating the "de-viginisation of Peter" or as Sirius called it "Wormtail dipping his worm". Sirius and James had already had had sex and congratulated their friend. Remus hardly thought it was worth that much celebration but he didn't want to spoil their fun. Especially because he had fun too enjoying the fun atmosphere and buzz of alcohol. Peter had lost his virginity to a very experienced seventh year Ravenclaw girl known as 'the Head Bird'. Remus had been confused by her nickname in the start as she wasn't Head Girl, not even a prefect, but he had later learned that she was named that because of her "extracurricular" activities. She was supposedly legendary at it and made almost all the boys she had given fellatio hard by just pulling up her hair. Remus wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he didn't know why she even wanted to sleep with Peter in the first place. It wasn't like she was the most beautiful girl in school, far from actually, but she was pretty enough to be hot, and she didn't sleep with many people. Remus didn't know much about her but Peter was supposedly around the third to sleep with her in her almost 7 years at Hogwarts.

"So, Pete how does it feel to finally be a man?" James almost shouted at Peter. Remus hardly thought sex was a big enough feat to change a boy into a man.

"Good," Peter answered shyly.

"So how was it, Wooormtail?" Sirius asked a bit patronising and emphasized Peter's nickname, but Peter either didn't notice or didn't care in the light of being the centrum of the others' attention.

"Good," he said before continuing, "and awkward. I didn't know what to do but she said it was cute."

Remus smiled reassuring to him, but he didn't think any of the others noticed as Sirius exclaimed another patronising remark.

"Uhhh, she told you what to do, Petey? Gave you a real step-by-step like a true Ravenclaw?"

Peter blushed and hid his head in his hands but nodded after a few seconds to both James' and Sirius' glee, who exclaimed, "Kinky." It was times like these that Remus understood why people thought they were closer related than they were and some people who didn't know them very well at times confused them for one another.

James turned his gaze to Sirius. "Maybe we can get her to take Remus' as well. We can't have the wolf going sexcrazy."

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "He doesn't have to have sex if he doesn't want to."

"Says you. You swung your broomstick at the first girl who would let you as soon as you hit puberty."

Remus secretly agreed with James that it was a bit out of character of Sirius to say something like that towards coitus even though Remus knew he would never pressure any of them to have it. Especially since Sirius wouldn't gain anything from them having or not having intercourse.

"I didn't swing it at the first girl who was willing," Sirius exclaimed scandalised, but it was Sirius so Remus had no idea if he really felt scandalised.

"Please, you practically dipped it before any of us had a single public hair."

Remus felt himself blushing and was relieved when he heard Peter interrupting the others explicit conversation. That was until he heard what Peter was saying.

"Remus, why haven't you slept with anyone?"

"Yeah, why, Moony? Don't tell me it's because of your furry little problem. Just use a charm and hide your scars," James asked while he and the other two boys moved closer to Remus.

Peter nodded in agreement with James. "Yeah, you can't stay a virgin forever."

Sirius snorted, "That's rich from someone who was one yesterday."

Remus looked down in embarrassment. He didn't know if it was the firewhiskey that made him answer without his own consent, "I'm not a virgin." It was so quiet that he thought he others hadn't heard it and looked up when he didn't hear anything from them. Sadly, it seemed they had heard him because their words came like a hurricane.

"You're not?" Peter asked with a squeak.

"When? Where?" James asked with eyes almost as big as his glasses.

"Why haven't you told us before?" Sirius asked with clenched fists.

Remus sunk down and hid his face in his arms in the naïve hope that the others would let it go.

"Moony, why didn't you tell us?" James asked in a sincere and slightly worried tone until he got his devilish smile back. "Is it because you're embarrassed you were so late? You didn't want us to know our little Moony-pie took his time becoming a big, bad wolf?"

"I lost it before any of you," Remus answered quietly. He didn't know where all this bravery and stupidity was coming from, but it was more than welcome to leave as soon as possible.

"Before us? Sirius lost his when he was 10."

"For the last time, Prongs, I was 15!"

James waved his hand at Sirius in a way that was unnervingly similar to Mrs. Potter. "Yeah, yeah, important part is Moony has been keeping secrets. So, why didn't you tell us when you got laid?"

Remus didn't want to lie. He was horrible at directly lying, but much better at misleading with truths so he answered them truthfully in spite of knowing they would understand it differently. Unfortunately, he didn't know exactly how he would mislead this time, but wouldn't go down without a fight. "I didn't want to tell anyone. I was… embarrassed."

"You could have told us later then."

"Can't we just forget about it? It was a long time ago," Remus searched for a distraction quickly, "and Peter just lost his. Ask him and leave me alone."

"Come on, Moony, you got to tell us something and Pete told us all about his experience so you owe it to him." Remus had never asked to hear how Peter got laid. He would rather not have heard any of it, so he couldn't see why he would owe Peter anything.

"No," he said shortly.

"Was it only once?" James asked with a cheeky grin.

"Yes," he said honestly.

"Who was it?" Asked Sirius, suddenly interested in the conversation.

"You don't know…" Remus removed his arms from his face and thought about how he should phrase it before he opened his mouth again, "It's not someone you know."

James leered. "Hmmm, so where did you do it?"

"My bedroom," Remus answered through his nausea.

Sirius looked at him curiously. "How was it?"

There were so many fully truthful answers: 'Horrible', 'it hurt so much', 'the worst night of my life', or maybe a simple 'I try to forget it', but Remus couldn't say that and looked away as he answered, "Not the best."

James smiled more pleasantly. "Don't worry. You will get better." And patted Remus on his back with rough pats. Remus had to remind himself that flinching would arise too many questions but wasn't sure he did a good job hiding it. He just hoped the others thought he just was an anxious gentleman or just didn't liked to be teased.

James looked expectantly at Remus but soon realised he wouldn't get any answers out of Remus unless he pried.

"Was she pretty?"

Remus was silent for a moment before he answered, "…no."

James leaned away from Remus in his confusion. "Huh? Why did you sleep with her then?"

Remus tried to just ignore James but he wouldn't stop pushing him both figuratively and literally. Remus sighed. "You wouldn't understand."

He looked at the other two to see what they thought since they had been so quiet. Peter looked interested in the conversation, maybe a bit disappointed he had changed the direction of the stage light, but the curiosity shone through his eyes. Sirius on the other hand looked at Remus was wide, horrified eyes and didn't seem to be able to blink anymore.

"Remus, h-how old were you?" Remus would normally be flabbergasted to hear Sirius stutter, but the question took almost all his strength from him.

He looked away from the others and muttered the answer. They couldn't hear it properly, to his great relief.

"No need to be coy, Moony. How old were you? Fifteen, fourteen? Thirteen would be a bit young but not unbelievable. Okay, maybe a bit for you. You're the good one." James sounded almost supportive but the amusement still shone brightly through his words.

Remus muttered again. He was not even sure if he was even saying the answer. Did he even want the others to know? On one hand it would be nice to tell someone by himself instead of his parents and the healers knowing it as soon as they saw him and the others already knew that he was a werewolf and loved him anyway, but on the other hand it would disgust them. It disgusted Remus and he was sure they would never be able to pat his arm or maybe even talk to him the same way ever again. His parents at least hadn't been able to, but that was also related to him being a werewolf.

Sirius scooted over until he was as close as he could be to Remus without either of them sitting in the other's lap and pulled Remus towards him with both his arms around his shoulders. Remus tried to move away at first. He didn't need any physical reassurance and the conversation was making him very uncomfortable especially with being so close to the others while having it, but he let Sirius when he realised it wasn't a hug for him. Sirius had realised some of the truth and needed to hold his friend as close to him as he could. It hurt in Remus' hip to be pulled like that and he moved his legs over Sirius' so he didn't have to twist his torso at such an awkward angle. Sirius didn't seem to notice Remus' movement but pulled him closer to him.

"Remus?" Sirius asked after a long moment, sounding strangely sober and put his head on top of Remus', "what of your parents' houses did it happen in?"

James and Peter kept quiet but he could feel their confused eyes and stare that tried to see through his head and into his memories.

"The one before the current one," Remus answered and prayed the others didn't notice how he had hesitated a bit too long and that his voice got higher when he eventually had answered.

"Why are you lying?" Peter asked in such an innocent voice that Remus could weep. He couldn't see any of them anymore because Sirius had moved one of his hands to instead press Remus' face to Sirius' chest, but he knew Sirius was glaring by how he inhaled deeply through his nose and Peter's single yelp.

Sirius quickly ended his loud nose breathing and asked in a surprisingly tender voice, "We won't judge you, you know that, right?" Remus hesitated but nodded. It was more to his friends' benefit than him actually believing it, at least with this, but Sirius continued, "So will you please tell us what happened? Or if you like, two of us can leave the room and you can just tell one of us?"

Remus shook his head. He both wouldn't and couldn't tell any of them.

Sirius' voice broke, "Please."

Remus shook his head again and the silence was so intense Remus wanted to scream but he couldn't get a single word out.

"Wa-was it that. Was it?" Sirius asked cryptically but Remus understood and one of his hands found its way up to his neck to protect or hide it. Remus wasn't sure which one, but it didn't work if his subconscious was trying to hide it, because it told Sirius everything he feared. Sirius' hand that had pressed Remus' head into his chest moved down to his neck and moved Remus' hand before feeling the bite-mark for himself. They lingered for a moment before he moved his arm up again to Remus' hair. It was only two deep holes connected with lighter gouges on each side of his neck and wasn't as notable or deep as the other bite-mark on his shoulder, but of course they had known it was there. Remus knew that Sirius suddenly knew what it indicated and froze in Sirius' arms. He expected to be pushed away in disgust or perhaps even fear of hurting him as his parents seemed to be constantly, but Sirius just tightened his grip.

"Oh Moony, I'm so sorry."

"What is it, Padfoot?" Remus couldn't even imagine how James must have looked when his voice was filled with so many emotions; concern, uncertainty, perplexity, and a bit of fear.

Remus could feel that Sirius opened and closed his mouth several times before he could answer with a single name through the lump in his throat, "Greyback."

Remus was from time to time told how strong he was, especially right before or after a transformation, but he didn't feel strong at all as he started to sob at the sound of that name.

Sirius jumped a bit at the sudden sound from Remus but relaxed again and started to stroke Remus' hair. "I'm so sorry, Remus," He said as if it was his fault, "You don't deserve this."

"But that means you were four!" Peter exclaimed horrified. Remus just cried louder. He didn't know if he could even blame it on the alcohol anymore.

There was a loud smack from James' and Peter's direction before Sirius' constant apologies and Remus' loud sobbing was joined by another yell from Peter, "I'm so sorry, Moony! Don't cry!"

But Remus didn't listen to Peter's order. It was like now that the tears had started, they would never stop and the words soon followed.

"It hurt so much, and-and!" Remus took a firm hold of Sirius shirt as Sirius finally stopped expressing how sorry he was for Remus and held him so tight he could barely breathe. "It got stuck."

"Stuck?" Remus wasn't sure if it was Peter or James that had talked. He knew it wasn't Sirius because he couldn't feel any vibrations.

"A-a w-wo-wolf's…" Remus wanted to say more but the muffled sobs were so overpowering that the others could barely understand a word of what he was saying so he gave up trying to end the painful sentence.

"No, not you, Moony. Not you." Sirius cried when Remus' last words finally hit him, soaking Remus' hair almost as much as Remus soaked Sirius' shirt.

Remus didn't know how long they all sat there on the floor between their beds. They all cried for Remus' lost innocence and how unfair the World sometimes was, and Remus fell asleep to all three boys trying to comfort him with reassuring words, apologies through their own tears, and pats on every body part James and Peter could reach.


End file.
